Even if someone had told me, I wouldn't have understood

I got a large portion of this from another blog and it really spoke to me and I adapted it to what I am feeling right now. Thanks Tenille (and your muse) for putting into words exactly what I am feeling!

Before Sydney was born, I imagined that this child whose face I had not yet seen would sit with me at bedtime while I carefully read passages of Scripture aloud. Everything would be Perfectly Orderly; I would Teach With Care while my child Listened Attentively. We would have wonderful, long days together with no fits or tears that I could not handle or control quickly and efficiently with the perfect parenting technique. And this child of mine would grow and learn (and have perfect manners) and surrender her life to following Christ without any questions or doubts that would follow.

Because I wasn’t idealistic or anything.

But the reality, as anybody with a little one knows, is absolutely nothing like that. The daily process of teaching and leading a precious little heart is about as orderly as a room full of hungry, pregnant women! And you know what else? It is hard. On every single level. So much of parenting uncovers our own imperfections, and we are constantly being humbled, broken and refined in our own lives while we try to nurture the little lives that have been entrusted to us. Did I mention that it’s hard? Did I mention that it is humbling?

There are days when I’m really disappointed in myself as a mother; I get so tired of struggling to balance the things I need to do with the things I want to do, and as a result of that I am confronted with the reality of my selfishness over and over again. It’s a mighty good thing indeed that I don’t have to parent in my own strength, because I’ll tell you right now that I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t last a day. I might last a day but I definitely would be reported to higher authority!

But the rewards of parenting? They really are huge. They’re immeasurable. They’re eternal. And the longer I’m a mama, the more I am beginning to understand that it is not what I can do in my own strength or thought process, but what God can do through me (which blows my mind that I could be worthy of mentioning his name, much less be used by Him!)

In many ways motherhood is absolutely nothing like I imagined but so much more than I expected. So Lord, please give me understanding of the situation on those hard days and faith to see you at work in our lives.